“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” ― Jim Rohn
I used to disagree with this quote because I believed everyone makes their own judgments, regardless of the people with whom they spend time. But recent experiences have shown me that we are indeed influenced by our interactions with others. Let me explain how.
A while ago, a friend asked me to care for her plants while she was away for the summer. I’m not a plant person; I only have one plant, which I water every other month (or when I remember). So I placed my friend’s plants on the windowsill next to my withered plant. Her plants were beautiful, and they brought more life to my space. At first, I had to write reminders to water them, but after a few weeks, it became a habit. Every Monday morning, I’d place all the plants (including mine) under the tap to water them. And guess what happened? My plant started to grow like the other plants. Adopting the habits of the healthy plants helped mine flourish.
Just as with the plants, I reflected on how the people around us shape our habits and environment. Even now that my friend has retrieved her plants, I still have the habit of watering my plant every Monday.
But the biggest eye-opener for me was working for an affluent businesswoman who owns multiple vacation homes. Ever since I started working with her, I began valuing my time more. Interestingly, I also raised the prices for my art and services, something I’d never been confident about doing in the past. Her influence helped me see my worth. I’m always inspired by our conversations, which focus on entrepreneurship, family, food, and traveling.
However, there are certain friends I hang out with who drain my energy. When I’m with them, the conversation focuses on gossip, complaining, fear, or unhappiness – all of which have a negative effect on me.
You may be a positive person, but if you constantly hang out with negative, fear-based people, you are more likely to become a negative person yourself. Because of this, I now audit the people I spend time with, eliminating or limiting my time with people who don’t share the same work ethic or values.
In this interview with Marie Forleo, Dr. Ned Hallowell talks about the concept of lilies and leeches.
Lilies, by his definition, are people or projects that are worth the time and energy you invest in them. Leeches are people and projects that aren’t worth it, and often provide no return on the investment you put in.
In order to have time for your lilies, you gotta get rid of leeches. Some leeches, however, might be more difficult to get rid of, or you may not want to cut them off from your life completely. Like family, for example. But you can always control how much time you spend with them. And if a person is seriously bringing you down, you should consider cutting them off.
Like Dr Hallowell says, “You don’t owe it to the leech. Let someone else give him/her their precious life blood.”
In my life, my most prominent lilies are my husband, my dad, and a couple of friends. No matter how hard life gets, they’re always there for me. It’s an equal exchange. We support each other’s dreams. Combined, they represent qualities I would like to pass on to my children, such as resilience, kindness, and hard work.
Self-help author Bob Proctor states the following:
“Take a look at your five people you’re with most often, and ask yourself, if I have children, would I want them to grow up and be like them? If the answer is no, you’d better start looking for some new friends. If the answer is yes, you’re already in the right circle of people.”
Just as I am selective with my own network, I also try to be one of the five people to someone else. One positive influence I have on others is that almost everywhere I’ve lived, I’ve encouraged people to work out. During college, I invited my roommates to work out with me. We met every day in the living room at 7 pm, and did the Insanity workout together. When I was a teacher in a kindergarten, I asked my colleagues if they’d like to work out after classes. To my surprise, they all said yes! We were often tired after a long day of teaching, but we all committed to a workout. Most importantly, they all saw results, which gave them momentum to continue to work on their fitness.
If you don’t have a strong social circle, the good news is that you can find your community online! But keep in mind, social media platforms can have a positive (or negative) influence on our behavior. They affect our self-esteem and our decisions. Take Instagram, for example. When you spend hours looking at stories of people you follow, you’re exposed to their ideals, which can influence the books you read, the podcasts you listen to, and even the food you eat. This type of exposure is almost like interacting with these people.
The key to having a positive experience with social media is to follow like-minded people, people you admire, or people who share a similar goal. Now and then, I like to declutter my social platforms, unfollowing people with whom I no longer resonate.
If you have friends who don’t share your work ethic or mindset, it may be time to reconsider their role in your life. Just because you’ve known someone for a long time doesn’t mean they still need to be your friend. Some people are meant to be in our lives only for a certain period of time. Some people will come and go as the stages of our lives change, and some will stay.
As I grow older, I value my time more, and likewise the people in my life. I like to have a big network but a small circle. My circle is made up of people I can completely trust with my emotions, and they’re genuinely interested to know what’s going on in my life.
What about you? Who are the people you spend the most time with? What habits have you adopted from them? Do they make you want to be a better person, or do they drag you down? Let me know in the comments.